Please let me be human....

I was looking through some old journals I had written and although this is hard to share, I think it is important to share at the same time. When you have a child with Autism...their are many struggles you will deal with and when you experience sleep deprivation things really seem to complicate your mind.....I am grateful that things are much better now....but they were not always this way

How many hours a day am I supposed to listen to him scream and be OK with it?
When am I allowed to break down and be human?
4 hours, 6 hours, please let me know, because sometimes I feel like I'm supposed to be this superhuman
I need to make sure all the supplements are ordered, that he gets each one at the right time each day
I need to make sure gluten, casein, soy, and corn never touch his lips, not even his hands
I need to make sure he's happy
I need to make sure he's not wet
I need to make sure he is engaged in educational activities
All at the same time I'm trying to meet the needs of his brother, running a household, keeping my marriage intact

When am I allowed to be something other than an Autism mom?

When do I get to sleep through the night and not listen to him scream for hours on end?
When do I not have to be hurt by my 6 year old or watch him harm himself or his brother?
When am I allowed to break down and not be looked at as weak?

When do I get to think about myself?
Just a little bit...
>
When will I not be judged so harshly when I lose my cool and yell at my son?
Remember I am human and running on 3 hours of sleep after listening to my son scream for over 6 hours, while he hurts himself and won't let me help him
How do I just listen and not help him? I want to help him, but he keeps pushing me away...do you know how awful that feels...especially because I have no idea what's wrong...he can't tell me...he doesn't have words yet.....I wish he had words....I wish he had words

Please tell me this gets easier....I don't want to watch my son in pain anymore
Please stop looking and staring....you have no idea what we have been through or where we are going

His scream pierces through every inch of my body

Please let me be human......