I Cried for you today.....

I cried for you today.....
     unable to tell me what was wrong
        stomping your feet
           screaming as loud as you can
Yet....
     you are left with no words....only PAIN
        I see the frustration and anger in your eyes
          and then.....

I cried for me.....
     spending 5 years as a detective
        holding on to every sound you make
           believing one day you will speak to me

The neverending frustration of figuring out
     your every want and need
        I feel so helpless
            and then.....

I cried for your brother....
     who desperately wants to play with you
        who tries to be such a great brother
           who is so proud of all your accomplishments
He tells me he hopes your first word is OIL CHANGE
     I begin to laugh
         and then.....

I cried for your dad.....
     who had so many hopes and dreams of you playing sports
        family vacations, dating, and getting married..
           and then.....

I cried for our whole family.....
     who has been to hell and back with
        doctors, seizures, supplements, sleepless nights, and allergies

But then I stop crying.....
    I start believing and hoping and fighting.....
      I start remembering.....

      The first time David said Mom
           when he waved for the first time
                when he slept through the night for 3 nights in a row
                      when I hugged him and he hugged me back
                            the list goes on and it will continue to grow....

I realized...it's OK to break down and cry
     as long as you get back up
         and keep on believing
              and keep on laughing
                  and keep on appreciating the small things.....

ALONE

     Things were progressively getting worse with David and I was concerned because my husband and I were not seeing eye to eye on the whole Autism matter. He kept telling me I was overreacting.....now I understand he was hoping that I was and probably just as scared as I was. This was hard for me because I needed him to be on board so we could get help for our son and so we could be there for each other as an emotional support. We went to David's 2 year checkup and I was praying the doctor would mention Autism, so I didn't feel like I was making this all up in my own head. Unfortunately, nothing was said and I was just astounded...how am I the only one who sees that something is wrong? I mentioned it to a few close friends and everyone said they thought David was fine. I'm sure they didn't know what to say, but it just made me feel very ALONE. I remember sneaking into the basement to research Autism, watch Autism videos, and take Autism tests to see if  David had Autism. I even went to the library and got books and would hide them in the house, so my husband wouldn't find them. By the way, I became pregnant with our second child right at the beginning of David's regression, so my emotions were heightened to begin with. So, back to David's 2 year checkup. I'm very disappointed and confused and then the phone rings. It's our pediatrician. She said she was reviewing  David's chart and the information we filled out and she is concerned. She thinks we should have David tested for Autism. You would think in that moment I would be relieved, someone finally saw what I saw, but instead I broke down crying. That is the first time I heard someone else say Autism and David's name in the same sentence. It was the most horrible feeling. I felt like I just lost a battle. I felt like I lost my son.
     Next, was the beginning of many evaluations over the course of the next few years. The first one was probably the most intense and hardest for me. I'll save that story for next time........